More than 25 years ago, about fifteen minutes into an initial experience of cosmic consciousness there was a point when everything I looked at began to dissolve and/or disappear (something commonly reported by schizophrenics). In retrospect it seems clear that something was happening to the body's normal mode of perception, but it was quite unnerving to watch the center of a man's body begin disappearing even though I was staring straight at it! I had to make a strong mental effort to hold onto reality and bring back the missing part of the man's torso, but the experience was quite frightening. I had the sense that if I didn't run away from what was happening, I was going to be plunged into some unfathomable emptiness and totally lose touch with reality. Fortunately, perhaps, after literally running away from the scene and after another five minutes or so I suddenly snapped back to "normal," and the perceptual instability instantly ceased.
I have no idea what would have happened if the body/mind had plunged into emptiness or a total absence of selfhood at that point in time, but it might have resulted in exactly the kind of thing that you have described. As it happened, that initial experience (and the accompanying realizations) was only the first collapse of many other thought structures that supported the consensus trance of ordinary reality. Many more would follow, and by the time the illusion of selfhood finally collapsed it was a relatively undramatic event--a bit like an older child suddenly realizing who Santa Claus must be ("Well, of course! How stupid of me not have seen this sooner.") ha ha.
When S. Segal (who was diagnosed as disassociated by many psychiatrists and who bought into that story totally) told Jean Klein, "There's no me. There used to be one, but now there isn't anymore," he replied, "Well, that's perfect."
Segal said, "But Jean, why is there so much anxiety?"
He replied, "You must stop the part of the mind that constantly keeps trying to look back at the experience."
Segal wrote, "There was a part of the mind--perhaps what we call the self-reflective or introspective function--that kept turning to look and, finding emptiness, kept sending the message that something was wrong. It was a reflex that had developed during the years of living in the illusion of individuality, a reflex we commonly consider necessary to know ourselves. We 'look within' repeatedly to determine what we think and feel, to make a study of ourselves and track our states of mind and heart. Now that there was no longer an 'in' to look 'into,' the self-reflective reflex was adrift but it persisted. It kept turning in and turning in, unable to come to terms with the fact that there was no 'in' anymore, only emptiness."
The main thing to realize is that there is no "in" and there never has been. Other people are under the illusion that there is an "in" but it is just an illusion. There was never a "you" in any sense whatsoever. There was only and always just THIS--a seamlessly unified field of being--, and it is neither empty nor full. It is what it is. It is what is happening right now. A body/mind can sometimes fall off of a psychological cliff when doing some kind of spiritual exercise, and the imagined person got more than was bargained for. Most people don't fall off the cliff all at once; they stumble downhill gradually, so the shock isn't so great. If this happens I doubt that there is any going back to a conventional sense of selfhood for the body/mind, and I suspect that sooner or later the body/mind will accept this.
Someone I know on a web forum once described the difference between the personal and the impersonal perspective very succinctly. Is the world seen as if by a person located behind the eyes, or is it perceived by a field of awareness not locatable in any specific sense? If it is the latter, then you might want to try meditation as a way to put the mind at rest and end its patholigization and rejection of what is actual. FWIW, it's an activity that helped Segal come to terms with her similar situation.
I have no idea what would have happened if the body/mind had plunged into emptiness or a total absence of selfhood at that point in time, but it might have resulted in exactly the kind of thing that you have described. As it happened, that initial experience (and the accompanying realizations) was only the first collapse of many other thought structures that supported the consensus trance of ordinary reality. Many more would follow, and by the time the illusion of selfhood finally collapsed it was a relatively undramatic event--a bit like an older child suddenly realizing who Santa Claus must be ("Well, of course! How stupid of me not have seen this sooner.") ha ha.
When S. Segal (who was diagnosed as disassociated by many psychiatrists and who bought into that story totally) told Jean Klein, "There's no me. There used to be one, but now there isn't anymore," he replied, "Well, that's perfect."
Segal said, "But Jean, why is there so much anxiety?"
He replied, "You must stop the part of the mind that constantly keeps trying to look back at the experience."
Segal wrote, "There was a part of the mind--perhaps what we call the self-reflective or introspective function--that kept turning to look and, finding emptiness, kept sending the message that something was wrong. It was a reflex that had developed during the years of living in the illusion of individuality, a reflex we commonly consider necessary to know ourselves. We 'look within' repeatedly to determine what we think and feel, to make a study of ourselves and track our states of mind and heart. Now that there was no longer an 'in' to look 'into,' the self-reflective reflex was adrift but it persisted. It kept turning in and turning in, unable to come to terms with the fact that there was no 'in' anymore, only emptiness."
The main thing to realize is that there is no "in" and there never has been. Other people are under the illusion that there is an "in" but it is just an illusion. There was never a "you" in any sense whatsoever. There was only and always just THIS--a seamlessly unified field of being--, and it is neither empty nor full. It is what it is. It is what is happening right now. A body/mind can sometimes fall off of a psychological cliff when doing some kind of spiritual exercise, and the imagined person got more than was bargained for. Most people don't fall off the cliff all at once; they stumble downhill gradually, so the shock isn't so great. If this happens I doubt that there is any going back to a conventional sense of selfhood for the body/mind, and I suspect that sooner or later the body/mind will accept this.
Someone I know on a web forum once described the difference between the personal and the impersonal perspective very succinctly. Is the world seen as if by a person located behind the eyes, or is it perceived by a field of awareness not locatable in any specific sense? If it is the latter, then you might want to try meditation as a way to put the mind at rest and end its patholigization and rejection of what is actual. FWIW, it's an activity that helped Segal come to terms with her similar situation.
