...at least they are to me. Most of my realizations have been extremely powerful and memorable. This may be because I was so strongly attached to various ideas that when they collapsed, the effect was stunning.
About two years after we got married, Carol and I were talking about how we disliked peeps who pushed their views on everyone. In the course of the conversation we realized that we were periodically guilty of doing exactly the same thing. Consequently, we made a New Year's resolution to stop proslytizing. The term "proslytizing" is pejorative, and that's the way we thought about it. A missionary, for example, badgers people who are potential converts to exchange their belief system for whatever belief system the missionary thinks is the "correct" belief system. We equated the term "pejorative" with that kind of badgering over correctness.
A week or so after making our resolution, Carol and I went to a party, and every time a discussion arose about which I had an opinion, I forced myself to be silent. Although there was a strong internal impulse to voice various ideas, I stuffed them, all because of our New Year's resolution. This happened several times, and for about two weeks or so, I managed to keep my mouth shut every time I was tempted to voice an opinion. One day I was driving somewhere, and suddenly, right out of the blue, I had a huge realization; I realized that I was a proslytizer! The realization was so powerful that I laughed out loud. As soon as I got home, I ran to Carol and said, "Hey, you know that New Year's resolution we made? Well, it's total BS. I'm a proslytizer. I LOVE to tell people what I think. I LOVE to teach. I LOVE to talk about whatever interests me. The whole idea that I shouldn't do what I love to do is total crap." Today, I still get a laugh when I think about that realization and our artificial attempt to be other than what we were and to live up to some imaginary ideal.
Today, however, to illustrate how things have changed over the last thirty-three years, I would not call myself a proslytizer because I no longer shove ideas upon people; I simply present them in the context of my own experience and offer them as possibilities to consider. I share ideas that I think will interest people, but I am not invested in what happens as a consequence. If someone isn't interested in a particular issue, this becomes immediately obvious, and I simply drop it.
A second major realization occurred a few years into our marriage. One day I was thinking about how no one has any control over who they fall in love with; it's a total mystery. Well, as I was thinking about this, it dawned on me that whether one STAYS in love with someone is also a mystery. This thought led to the sickening realization that I had no control over whether I would remain in love with Carol in the future. This thought generated a huge surge of fear because I wanted to stay in love, but I realized that I had no control over what might happen in the future. This realization literally took the ground out from under me, and filled me with horror. I realized that I had absolutely no control over who I loved, and if this was the case, which was obvious, then it meant that I had no control over anything that might happen! I lived with this sense of horror for about three days, and then I had an even deeper realization. I realized that it didn't matter. I could either accept the obvious or resist it, and even this choice was not up to me. The only thing that mattered was the love I felt NOW, and if things changed in the future, that would be the case NOW. I relaxed, gave up the illusion of control, and realized that if two people stay in love, its a very lucky thing. After that, I didn't have to think about it anymore. I was in love, and the future would have to play out however it would play out.
The third big realization was actually a whole group of realizations that occurred simultaneously as a result of a woo woo experience, and that story would be too involved for inclusion here.
The fourth big realization I remember occurred during my first Zen retreat. Zen retreats are very intense affairs. Each day you get up at 4:30 AM and do 108 protration bows, then chant for almost an hour, and then, between silent meals, spend almost the entire day in silent meditation while sitting cross-legged in the lotus position. The day ends at 9:30 PM after chanting the Heart Sutra. After only one day, I was physically and mentally exhausted and wondered, "What kind of craziness have I gotten myself into?" I plowed through the second day getting angrier and angrier and more and more exhausted. As we started chanting the Heart Sutra at the end of the second day, a very powerful question arose to the surface of my mind, "Why are we chanting this stupid sutra in Korean? We're Americans and we speak English! This is nuts! Why are we doing this?" This question had me fuming with anger, but as we came to the last lines of the sutra (gate gate paragate, parasamgate, etc) tears began to fill my eyes and I became very emotional. I knew that the words meant, "Gone, gone, gone beyond to the other shore," and the meaning struck something deep within. Whatever was happening internally was not slowing down or stopping, so when the chant ended, I quickly rushed outside the house and into the street. I was beginning to sob with emotion as the bottom of my mind fell out, and I was plunged into deep emptiness. In that emptiness I suddenly realized why we had been chanting the sutra in Korean. It was so obvious that my tears instantly turned to laughter. We were chanting in Korean because a Korean Zen master had set up the retreat format and produced the literature we were using!!!! I found this to be hysterically funny, but after this experience, I realized--- and this was the big one Elizabeth--- that all ideational meaning is imaginary. I suddenly saw the difference between relative meaning that comes from the mind and absolute meaning that is eternally extant.
How this personal koan about why we were chanting in Korean arose to the surface of the mind, was a complete mystery, and how it was seen-through was an equal mystery. It is just what happened.
The following two days generated another huge realization, which was more interesting than funny, but that's a story for another time. Suffice it to say that life is one hell of a trip! Enjoy the ride!
About two years after we got married, Carol and I were talking about how we disliked peeps who pushed their views on everyone. In the course of the conversation we realized that we were periodically guilty of doing exactly the same thing. Consequently, we made a New Year's resolution to stop proslytizing. The term "proslytizing" is pejorative, and that's the way we thought about it. A missionary, for example, badgers people who are potential converts to exchange their belief system for whatever belief system the missionary thinks is the "correct" belief system. We equated the term "pejorative" with that kind of badgering over correctness.
A week or so after making our resolution, Carol and I went to a party, and every time a discussion arose about which I had an opinion, I forced myself to be silent. Although there was a strong internal impulse to voice various ideas, I stuffed them, all because of our New Year's resolution. This happened several times, and for about two weeks or so, I managed to keep my mouth shut every time I was tempted to voice an opinion. One day I was driving somewhere, and suddenly, right out of the blue, I had a huge realization; I realized that I was a proslytizer! The realization was so powerful that I laughed out loud. As soon as I got home, I ran to Carol and said, "Hey, you know that New Year's resolution we made? Well, it's total BS. I'm a proslytizer. I LOVE to tell people what I think. I LOVE to teach. I LOVE to talk about whatever interests me. The whole idea that I shouldn't do what I love to do is total crap." Today, I still get a laugh when I think about that realization and our artificial attempt to be other than what we were and to live up to some imaginary ideal.
Today, however, to illustrate how things have changed over the last thirty-three years, I would not call myself a proslytizer because I no longer shove ideas upon people; I simply present them in the context of my own experience and offer them as possibilities to consider. I share ideas that I think will interest people, but I am not invested in what happens as a consequence. If someone isn't interested in a particular issue, this becomes immediately obvious, and I simply drop it.
A second major realization occurred a few years into our marriage. One day I was thinking about how no one has any control over who they fall in love with; it's a total mystery. Well, as I was thinking about this, it dawned on me that whether one STAYS in love with someone is also a mystery. This thought led to the sickening realization that I had no control over whether I would remain in love with Carol in the future. This thought generated a huge surge of fear because I wanted to stay in love, but I realized that I had no control over what might happen in the future. This realization literally took the ground out from under me, and filled me with horror. I realized that I had absolutely no control over who I loved, and if this was the case, which was obvious, then it meant that I had no control over anything that might happen! I lived with this sense of horror for about three days, and then I had an even deeper realization. I realized that it didn't matter. I could either accept the obvious or resist it, and even this choice was not up to me. The only thing that mattered was the love I felt NOW, and if things changed in the future, that would be the case NOW. I relaxed, gave up the illusion of control, and realized that if two people stay in love, its a very lucky thing. After that, I didn't have to think about it anymore. I was in love, and the future would have to play out however it would play out.
The third big realization was actually a whole group of realizations that occurred simultaneously as a result of a woo woo experience, and that story would be too involved for inclusion here.
The fourth big realization I remember occurred during my first Zen retreat. Zen retreats are very intense affairs. Each day you get up at 4:30 AM and do 108 protration bows, then chant for almost an hour, and then, between silent meals, spend almost the entire day in silent meditation while sitting cross-legged in the lotus position. The day ends at 9:30 PM after chanting the Heart Sutra. After only one day, I was physically and mentally exhausted and wondered, "What kind of craziness have I gotten myself into?" I plowed through the second day getting angrier and angrier and more and more exhausted. As we started chanting the Heart Sutra at the end of the second day, a very powerful question arose to the surface of my mind, "Why are we chanting this stupid sutra in Korean? We're Americans and we speak English! This is nuts! Why are we doing this?" This question had me fuming with anger, but as we came to the last lines of the sutra (gate gate paragate, parasamgate, etc) tears began to fill my eyes and I became very emotional. I knew that the words meant, "Gone, gone, gone beyond to the other shore," and the meaning struck something deep within. Whatever was happening internally was not slowing down or stopping, so when the chant ended, I quickly rushed outside the house and into the street. I was beginning to sob with emotion as the bottom of my mind fell out, and I was plunged into deep emptiness. In that emptiness I suddenly realized why we had been chanting the sutra in Korean. It was so obvious that my tears instantly turned to laughter. We were chanting in Korean because a Korean Zen master had set up the retreat format and produced the literature we were using!!!! I found this to be hysterically funny, but after this experience, I realized--- and this was the big one Elizabeth--- that all ideational meaning is imaginary. I suddenly saw the difference between relative meaning that comes from the mind and absolute meaning that is eternally extant.
How this personal koan about why we were chanting in Korean arose to the surface of the mind, was a complete mystery, and how it was seen-through was an equal mystery. It is just what happened.
The following two days generated another huge realization, which was more interesting than funny, but that's a story for another time. Suffice it to say that life is one hell of a trip! Enjoy the ride!
