...to get enlightened (to be freed from her stories about herself). While on retreat things were wonderful. She stopped telling all of her stories. She became present and lived in the now. She walked in the woods and looked at the world as if it were a new and wondrous place. She went to satsangs twice a day and heard the truth spoken clearly. She felt immersed in love and acceptance. She ate tasty vegetarian meals, and really tasted the food. She didn't check on her state of mind or compare herself to anyone. She didn't compare her state of mind to any imagined state of mind. She lived like a little child, innocent of the world, and it felt great! She was happy without thinking about being happy. For one week the Gerta who had all kinds of problems was absent.
Then she went home in a state of peace and bliss and love. After she got home, she began to think that she was enlightened and that her job was to share her enlightened state of mind. The old Gerta began to re-appear with a new set of clothes. It happened so subtly and so insidiously that she didn't realize what was happening. As her bliss evaporated, she began to search everywhere for what she had attained but she couldn't find it, and all of her old stories came back with a new twist. Then she started comparing her memory of the once-blissful Gerta with the now-depressed and hopeless Gerta. She began adding layers and layers to the story. "I'm right back where I was before I went to see Gangaji. I haven't changed at all. I'm supposed to be full of peace and love and light, but instead I feel frustrated and soulsick. There's no hope for me. I've lost what I had when I was Gangaji. I'll never get it back. Where could it have gone? I can't find it, and I don't even know what it was. Oh, woe is me. Maybe if I go back to see Gangaji, she can give it back to me."
This is what mind does. One moment mind says, "I feel wonderful. Things are great. I have attained something special. I've made progress." And the next moment mind says, "I feel lousy. I'm a failure. I thought I was making progress, but now I'm back to square one again. It's hopeless. I'm helpless. I'm a mess. I don;t like my life. It isn't what I think it ought to be. It doesn't look like I think it should look. It doesn't feel like I think it should feel. People don't like me. I'm not a lovable person. I don't even like myself. I'm a total failure."
And on and on. Yet the whole thing is nonsense. The thoughts about attainment are nonsense and the thoughts that attainment has vanished are nonsense. What the mind is doing in both cases has to be seen clearly in order to step off the roller coaster and have a good laugh. There is nothing underneath all the nonsense. The stories are being spun out of mid-air.
Then she went home in a state of peace and bliss and love. After she got home, she began to think that she was enlightened and that her job was to share her enlightened state of mind. The old Gerta began to re-appear with a new set of clothes. It happened so subtly and so insidiously that she didn't realize what was happening. As her bliss evaporated, she began to search everywhere for what she had attained but she couldn't find it, and all of her old stories came back with a new twist. Then she started comparing her memory of the once-blissful Gerta with the now-depressed and hopeless Gerta. She began adding layers and layers to the story. "I'm right back where I was before I went to see Gangaji. I haven't changed at all. I'm supposed to be full of peace and love and light, but instead I feel frustrated and soulsick. There's no hope for me. I've lost what I had when I was Gangaji. I'll never get it back. Where could it have gone? I can't find it, and I don't even know what it was. Oh, woe is me. Maybe if I go back to see Gangaji, she can give it back to me."
This is what mind does. One moment mind says, "I feel wonderful. Things are great. I have attained something special. I've made progress." And the next moment mind says, "I feel lousy. I'm a failure. I thought I was making progress, but now I'm back to square one again. It's hopeless. I'm helpless. I'm a mess. I don;t like my life. It isn't what I think it ought to be. It doesn't look like I think it should look. It doesn't feel like I think it should feel. People don't like me. I'm not a lovable person. I don't even like myself. I'm a total failure."
And on and on. Yet the whole thing is nonsense. The thoughts about attainment are nonsense and the thoughts that attainment has vanished are nonsense. What the mind is doing in both cases has to be seen clearly in order to step off the roller coaster and have a good laugh. There is nothing underneath all the nonsense. The stories are being spun out of mid-air.
