...for getting what it thinks it wants, but if one persists, one finally runs into a wall of imprenetrable steel. The mind recoils and thinks, "Gee whiz, I've tried everything without success. How can I get what I want?" I've gone in every direction and tried every technique and yet I'm not awake. What's going on with that?" This very question graphically illustrates that the idea of personal selfhood is alive and well, and that the imaginary person is highly frustrated in its desire to get what it wants.
When I reached that point, however, I still did not stop. I looked at everything that had happened over the previous fifteen years, and concluded that there was nothing I could do other than what I was already doing--keeping attention focused as much as possible on what I could see and hear, and staying attentive during all of my daily activities. Over the previous years of seeking the body/mind had gradually changed from being primarily reflective to being primarily action-oriented. I had stopped almost all fantasizing and second-guessing and had eliminated tons of useless mental ruminating. I had become a "do it" kind of guy.
Along the way I had had various experiences of unity-consciousness, but I always came back to a "me in here" looking at "a world out there." My final koan was, "How can I stay in a unity-conscious state of mind all the time?" This very question shows that there was still a "me" wanting to reside in a permanent state of oneness. Of course, I did not realize what the question implied at the time.
Like the fool who persists in his folly, I just kept looking at the world without knowing. I kept doing this because there was nothing else that offered any hope at all. Almost every time I went for a hike or drove somewhere, I shifted attention away from thoughts to what I could see or hear. I did this day after day for years. Finally, on a particular day, the structure of thoughts supporting a sense of selfhood collapsed, and my spiritual search came to an end. I saw with extreme clarity that who I had thought I was had never existed and that I was "what is." Bingo!
For other people it may happen differently. Gangagi met Papaji, and he told her to stop the search. Somehow she heard that admonition and stopped. Some people get struck "out of the blue." That's pretty rare, but it happens occasionally. Most people have to exhaust every strategy imaginable in order to reach the sense of futility that Silence mentioned, and that futility is often the springboard into the unknown.
The search is frustrating because there is no guarantee that one will ever see through the illusion of selfhood, but that's just the nature of who/what we are. We're a blooming mystery, but if we don't look for the truth, then we're very unlikely to find it. There's no point in giving you a pep talk; I'm just telling you that this is the way it is. If you're smart, so you have better odds than those who aren't so smart. Anyone can wake up, but smart people seem to have an edge from what I've seen. Take care.
When I reached that point, however, I still did not stop. I looked at everything that had happened over the previous fifteen years, and concluded that there was nothing I could do other than what I was already doing--keeping attention focused as much as possible on what I could see and hear, and staying attentive during all of my daily activities. Over the previous years of seeking the body/mind had gradually changed from being primarily reflective to being primarily action-oriented. I had stopped almost all fantasizing and second-guessing and had eliminated tons of useless mental ruminating. I had become a "do it" kind of guy.
Along the way I had had various experiences of unity-consciousness, but I always came back to a "me in here" looking at "a world out there." My final koan was, "How can I stay in a unity-conscious state of mind all the time?" This very question shows that there was still a "me" wanting to reside in a permanent state of oneness. Of course, I did not realize what the question implied at the time.
Like the fool who persists in his folly, I just kept looking at the world without knowing. I kept doing this because there was nothing else that offered any hope at all. Almost every time I went for a hike or drove somewhere, I shifted attention away from thoughts to what I could see or hear. I did this day after day for years. Finally, on a particular day, the structure of thoughts supporting a sense of selfhood collapsed, and my spiritual search came to an end. I saw with extreme clarity that who I had thought I was had never existed and that I was "what is." Bingo!
For other people it may happen differently. Gangagi met Papaji, and he told her to stop the search. Somehow she heard that admonition and stopped. Some people get struck "out of the blue." That's pretty rare, but it happens occasionally. Most people have to exhaust every strategy imaginable in order to reach the sense of futility that Silence mentioned, and that futility is often the springboard into the unknown.
The search is frustrating because there is no guarantee that one will ever see through the illusion of selfhood, but that's just the nature of who/what we are. We're a blooming mystery, but if we don't look for the truth, then we're very unlikely to find it. There's no point in giving you a pep talk; I'm just telling you that this is the way it is. If you're smart, so you have better odds than those who aren't so smart. Anyone can wake up, but smart people seem to have an edge from what I've seen. Take care.
